well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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