Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
