dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
