I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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