Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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