I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
