That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
