On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Drunk is a universal language darling
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize