Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
