you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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