I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
