he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
