if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
