I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
