Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
