Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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