note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
