You're my little dorito
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
