So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
