So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
