first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
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No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
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We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
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