I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
