I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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