you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
