I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
