Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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