I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is this like a preordered booty call?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
