My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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