Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
