Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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