I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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