From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
