i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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