I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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