I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
