Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It's Friday. Sex?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
