this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
