I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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