thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
