i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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