he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
