Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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