Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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