I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
