I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
