I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
