Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
