Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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