Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
