I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
