why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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