ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
