theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
