we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
