I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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