Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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