She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
