Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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