Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
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I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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