apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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